Cliffs?

rofl

well, i think its funny.

Tell more jokes funnyman, I need them!

Lol, i want 2 hear a please :D

Please tell exactly as many jokes as you know/can find/suddenly come up with and vomit out so as to make kdice happy again. :D

GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price!
BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop.
WORSE: The tailor there has never seen an Armani suit before...

GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love!
BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty- handed.
WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage...

GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C. Fillmore Jr. High school...
BAD: until a school counselor urges therapy for both your son & daughter.
WORSE: You only have one kid...


GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute...

GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon.
BAD: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay.
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not...

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camo and has an AK-47.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Worse: She turns you on.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: He was a counterfeiter.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.
Worse: She's a lot better in bed than your wife.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's on her way in.
Worse: there's a big group of guys behind her.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute...
WORST: You drank too much alcohol on the first evening and you wake up the next morning (dressed up as a woman) with your boss laying behind you in the bed and you are wondering why you have a painfull butt and an odd taste in your mouth.

SLIGHTLY LESS WORSE: you weren't dressed up as a woman... just laying there naked

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, `Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!`

Martha replies, `Should I pack for warm weather or cold?`

The man responds, `I don't care. Just get out!`


............................................

A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.

The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."

The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.

The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."

The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.

The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.

............................................

A blonde is in Vegas vacationing with her friends. She walks to a candy machine and puts in two coins. She turns the knob and a candy bar falls out.

She picks up the candy bar and puts it in her pocket. Then she puts two more coins into the slot and turns the knob; again a candy bar falls out and she puts it in her pocket.

The blonde smiles, puts two more coins into the machine and again turns the knob, producing yet another candy bar.

A man has been watching from a short distance away and walks up to the blonde. He says, `Excuse me, miss, what are you doing?`

The blonde replies, `Duh! I'm winning here!`

..............................................

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This piques his curiosity, so he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.

The next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog just like everybody else. The dog acts in turn with all of the other players: calling, raising, discarding, and doing everything that the human players are doing.

Oddly, none of the other players seems to pay any mind to the fact that they are playing with a dog. They treat him just like any other player.

Finally, the man can no longer contain his curiosity, so between hands he says quietly to one of the human players, `I can't believe that dog is playing poker! He must be the smartest dog in the world!`

The player smiles and says, `He's not that smart. Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.`

...........................................

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, `Three million dollars.`

The accounts person is startled and says, `In what form?`

The little old lady says, `Cash. I've got it here in this bag...` The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle the situation. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, `Gambling.`

`Gambling?` he says. `What sort of gambling?`

`Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I`ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I`ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you`d be willing to wager on that?`

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. `I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!`

The little old lady just shakes the bag and says, `I know what I`m doing...and I can afford to lose, even though I`m not going to. Is it a bet?`

`OK, have it your way,` says the president, and they shake hands.

`See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning,` says the little old lady, and with that she leaves.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He`d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He`d checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing: his balls were perfectly normal.

When the little old lady arrives he starts to relax, knowing he had won the bet.

`Come in, please, and have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?` says the president.

`He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?`

`No, perfectly understandable,` says the president. `Well, it's now noon, and I`m still unchanged, so I guess I win!` he says happily.

`Not so fast!` says the little old lady. `For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.`

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he`d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

`OK, you win, here's your $100,000,` says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As soon as she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

`What's wrong with him?` asks the bank president.

`Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.`